5 Words That Will Save Your Life
To say he was pestering me would be an understatement.
He barraged me. Pleaded with me.
It doesn't matter who it was. It doesn't even really matter what it was that he needed.
What matters is that I was hooked.
I believed with every cell in my body that if I did not do what he asked, he would suffer greatly. Or worse.
It would be my fault. I would be responsible for his misery. I must deliver.
When I did what he wanted, there was relief. Peace.
But not for long. He would need again. And whether it was $10 or a ride, his tone was always 911.
Every time I responded to the urgency.
So the first time I uttered these five words, I thought the world might fall apart.
But I knew I must try them to begin rewiring this erroneous connection between us.
I also finally accepted that my own belief system was faulty, too.
This would be the beginning of disconnecting the neural pathways that linked his pain to my responsibility.
This was the line I uttered that changed everything. This was the line I drew in the sand.
"Let me think about that."
Time stopped.
I waited for him to escalate the pressure.
But something magical happened.
It was as though I'd let go of my end of a tug-a-war rope.
I watched him stumble to re-establish his footing.
"When?" he asked, blinking. "When will you give me your answer?"
I thought for a moment, already basking in the space I'd created with the five magic words.
Then I answered: "Two days. I'll let you know in two days."
He walked away -- not happily -- but he walked away.
This was the first time I set a boundary.
Boundaries aren't always about saying No. A No that comes from impulse, or the immediate need to stop the pain, is not a boundary.
A boundary is the creation of space so you can have true agency over your decisions and yourself.
This first time I said the five magic words, a residue of guilt clung to me.
I've since learned that this is also a sign that I've really set a boundary. When you stand up for your right to make a decision without manipulation and pressure, you feel the newness of it. You will feel the urge to quickly say Yes, just to stop the discomfort of breaking the cycle of obligation and false responsibility.
While this is a more extreme example of the co-dependent-manipulation cycle, it happens everywhere and often on a much subtler more insidious level.
High achievers are famous for pour boundaries. It matters little how much authority we're charged with. There's an amazing amount of fear about saying No -- or even giving ourselves time to think about our response.
It's long later, when we feel burdened, taken advantage of, or obligated that we said Yes when we should have said No.
But a person can only take advantage of you if you let them.
When you're trained in the Yes-without-reflection dance, there's no need to plead or pressure.
We do it to ourselves.
We say things like, "If I don't do it, no one else will." "They have a family and I don't, so I can take call on a holiday weekend." "If I don't do it, I'll have a bad reputation, they'll think I'm selfish or lazy." "If I say Yes, they'll return the favor."
So remember these five magic words:
let
me
think
about
that
These words create space. They allow you to be at choice.
They remove the urgency, so you can ask yourself the following:
How important it it?
What am I afraid will happen if I say No?
If I say Yes, why? What's my true motivation?
Bonus reminders about boundaries:
Just because someone wants it doesn't mean it's our job to give it.
Other people's discomfort is not our problem. We are each responsible for our own feelings.
When we set boundaries, other people might not like it. In fact, their displeasure may be a sign we're setting them.
Just because you've always done it doesn't mean you can't do something different.
You have a right to change your mind.
What’s more important, consistency or being true to yourself?