3 Ways We Lie to Ourselves (and the countless ways these lies keep us small)

When I was in third grade, a boy told me I had buck teeth.

It got worse. He told me I looked like Bugs Bunny. He quickly developed the spiel, sucking his own teeth on his lower lip, "What's up doc?" he'd mock.

He was a regular stand-up.

I'm pretty sure I had a huge, toothy smile, but after that, I did what I could to dim my light.

Later on, other kids said I looked like a boy.

You know, "kids being kids."

These two comments became much more than comments.

They became part of my identity as I unwittingly agreed to their bullying as truth.

Here are some of the lies we tell ourselves:

1. Disaffection. "Other people's comments about me might be true, but it didn't affect me."
2. Revenge. "What they say about me is true, but I'll show them!"
3. "Negative self-talk makes me better." Internalizing negative comments about us makes us "tough", "resilient" and overall more successful.

But the agreement I made was sneaky and, to a point, adaptive.

It went like this:

I might be ugly. I might not look like a girl -- which was really, really important to me. I might not be pretty.

But rather than tell myself that I was ugly or boyish (which was also a way to keep me safe from being a "pretty" girl), I tried to circumvent the meaning of my physical appearance altogether.

I told myself some sneaky lies.

I told myself that my outside appearance was fleeting anyway.

I set about developing the parts of me that would last beyond my appearance.

I decided to make my insides matter more than my outsides.

I began to ask who I really was. I decided to develop my mind, my heart and eventually the way I moved.

If I was ugly or deemed unacceptable in some way, I would develop the things I could control.

I became ultra focused on performance, success and achievement. On being the best.

If I was the best, it didn't matter if I was ugly or had buck teeth.

One could argue that this was a productive response to bullying.

It was an adaptation to "the best revenge is feeling good."

Except that I didn't truly feel good.

Especially when I failed, or didn't succeed the way I'd set out.

The problem is, deep down inside, I believed what they said: that I was ugly.

I agreed to what they said. And carried that rather complex agreement around with me for many years -- sometimes I still carry it around.

But I'm better now at catching myself repeating the bullying that I experienced over 50 years ago.

I see now, that I was beautiful. Because each of us is beautiful with all our teeth. Because in our genuine smiles, our inner light comes out. That is beautiful.

Sometimes it is too bright for others. Or those who call us names are already hurting so much themselves, bullying is all they can do to keep from drowning under their own self-sabotaging voices.

Hurt people hurt people.

What lies are you still carrying around?

What agreements have you made about your intrinsic value?

It's time to disavow those lies.