3 Reasons Doctors Don’t Get Help (and the story of one who did)
Perfectionism/Procrastination: You want to do it “right” and you have too much on your plate right now.
Status & Reputation: fear that getting mental health support could effect licensure
The Buck Up mentality: the belief that you should be able to figure it all out on your own (“it’s not that bad”)
Here’s true story of one physician who struggled with all three…
Aaron, an orthopedic surgeon, waited over a year to call me.
He carried my information around, periodically thinking, “I should set up an appointment with that coach.”
The pain wasn’t bad enough yet. He didn’t know that he was lonely and full of regret.
His hard-working immigrant family taught him that vulnerability is a weakness.
There’s simply no room for feeling down or lonely.
He kept telling himself to be strong.
Like many doctors, he wore a mask.
This is part of the medical training.
He’s considered upbeat, self-deprecating, easy-going and funny. Patients trust that he’s got everything under control.
But Aaron was often terrified to make the wrong move.
So he kept wearing the mask, becoming a highly sought after surgeon in his community.
And it worked. Mostly.
But what makes Aaron a good surgeon has not necessarily been good for the rest of his life, he now admits.
How much will it hurt?
As much pain as physicians are in, they have a high tolerance for it.
Aaron is what he calls “risk-adverse.”
And just making the first appointment with a coach or therapist is, of course, full of unknowns.
So Aaron thought about calling me.
Then he waited. And waited. And kept working. Putting off relationships, friendships, hobbies.
It wasn’t until his mother became very ill and her care fell to him, that Aaron finally called me.
“It was like a 911 call,” he recalls, laughing.
It was just too lonely under the mask.
I’ve since learned he’s a bit of a procrastinator, too. Waiting to call me was part of his perfectionistic tendencies.
Now Aaron comes to my office a couple of times a month, pen in hand. He takes notes.
He’s even learning to journal a bit and says he finds it freeing.
Months in, he’s decided he can’t wait any longer to live his life.
“There’s no reason not to explore,” he says. “Being a perfectionist and risk-adverse is good for my career. Yes, I get a paycheck and affirmation. But work and all it entails has been a bit of a safety blanket too.”
The mask has come off, at least in my office. And what a gift it is to behold.