Biggest Challenge for Physicians: Learning to Receive

A man I dated once called me “fancy”. It was said in a judgmental way, which sparked a defensive explanation about how I’m a good person, even though I like to order oysters with a top shelf gin martini once in a while. It turned out he’d forgotten his wallet, so I paid for my fancy taste anyway and enjoyed every bite.

I talked with a friend this morning about his hesitancy to use the “fancy” soap a friend had given him. The soap sat there unused on his bathroom counter for a few weeks, more as a symbol of finery than a useful item. He eventually did begin to use it, but only sparingly and occasionally, feeling a bit guilty and false using it.

“Fancy” may be just another word for the good things in life — however you define that. I’m speaking here of those of us who already have the essentials at hand: a home, clothing, food. And even more: friends, family, access to the better things in life. Fancy is that nectar, that high-shelf item, that you somehow associate with someone who is “fancier” than you.

If you’re like me, you’re a giver. If you’re a physician, you’ve devoted your life to giving. Perhaps, your identity is wrapped up in giving that you don’t know how to receive, even when the gifts are foist upon you. The true challenge for givers is to receive wholeheartedly. It might be the fancy soap on your counter, or, this morning for me it was spreading some honey on my sourdough toast. It doesn’t have to be big, though it might be. While you may be surrounded by a degree of material comforts, if you don’t actually receive the riches you’ve created and the gifts given and — most important — enjoy them, whats’s the point?

This is the season for abundance and sometimes excesses — a time of spending and eating. But with that also comes denial and the voice of scarcity. Those voices may be those from our childhoods, proclaiming judgments about what’s too good or not good enough. This is the voice that afflicts people of all economic classes. What may have begun as a the voice of someone trying to keep us from being “spoiled” or expecting “too much” from life, it has now become the voice of our own self-worth, our own calculus of what we deserve.

Here’s a challenge for the holidays: Focus less on the giving and the getting and more on receiving. What does it feel like to be receptive? To actually enjoy the gift, the honey, the fancy soap, the compliment, the vacation — you name it — goes far beyond money: It is about feeling worthy of the sweetness.

Today, I enjoyed my buttery honeyed toast, bite by bite. Now that’s fancy.

What does it feel like to receive?