Confidence is a Muscle
"Confidence is a muscle strengthened by experience." —Kayla Jeter, ultra marathoner
I'm done with Operation Covert Ambition.
Last month, at age 62, I had a chance to shine my full light, my fierce love, courage and playfulness on a ropes course high above the ground. I showed up fully, because anything less would not do. Anything less would not have been helpful and in fact, would have been hurtful. There was no space for being indirect or playing "nice". I had to keep my wits about me, legs shaking terribly on the high wire, and show up fully for my partner -- with my fear.
Our mission: to get across together.
The activities demanded that I dig down and play big. Really big. Though I am not a big person (5' 2"), I have experienced my strength as a 3rd-degree black belt in Tae Kwon Do. There, in in the dojo, I also could not afford to play games, to play small and demure, or I'd be crushed. But there, I was also a teacher, a leader, a role model -- especially for women. So, if I knocked someone down with a swift sidekick, I also extended my hand to help them up to their feet again. I did what I had to do, without apology -- both the kicking and the helping.
But off the mat, I have not always shown up with this clarity. I was constantly navigating between my assertiveness and kindness. My mother accused me of being "remote" when I became too focused on my goal -- and not attending to her needs. So, like many of us, I falsely equated unapologetic determination with coldness, believing that ambition is cold and only the lack of it makes us warm. I thought I had to choose between warmth and assertiveness, as author Alison Fragale PhD writes in her book, Likable Badass. I now recognize the undermining dance I've done my entire life: downplaying my laser focus and determination so as not to seem cold, remote or bitchy. Sound familiar?
Off the mat and away from the ropes course, I've gone undercover with my drive and ambition. And just when I get the confidence to climb out of the shadow and call out my accomplishments in a bio, two men called me out for being a "show off" and "arrogant". Last I checked, bios are about highlighting your accomplishments. Mine even had some warmth sprinkled throughout about how I was learning, "on a journey", etc. You can tell I'm a little salty about these criticisms. And I am. It takes so much for women to claim their accomplishments -- and when they do, the saboteurs show up in the bodies of real life people telling us to quiet down, dim our light, so that they can feel okay about themselves.
So many of us -- especially women -- have been playing small to signal warmth. Not Kayla Jeter, the Chicago-based ultra marathoner. As Jeter lives in her full power, she extends her hand to others: "I’m on a mission for girls and women to know in a society that has tried for centuries to tell you’re not capable or adequate enough that your divine creation is your super power and your voice is the shift this world needs." Kayla Jeter is my role model. She runs, not to punish herself or her body, but as a celebration of being alive. And this is a metaphor for all of us.
The universe is calling us forth to shine our brightest, to be bold, to be unapologetically ourselves. When we show up this way, we are also fiercely loving, because we are fully embracing ourselves. This is what author Fragole calls being a Likable Badass. It's not about either warm or confidence. It's about both. In fact, when you show up with all your strength and confidence, you enroll others in your plan to live your most magnificent life. Isn't this why we're here on earth? This is why I am here: to be a ninja inviting you to a whole hearted, full-throated dance with life. Whatever that looks like for you, I am here to extend my hand and walk -- run, skip or fly -- the path with you.
Thank you, Sue Aspinall, CTI Leadership, Kayla Jeter and Alison Fragole PhD for your special inspiration.