5 Signs of Giving Fatigue (and the magic of receiving)

Every Christmas, I followed a playbook that I'd not experienced in my own childhood. I was determined to make Christmas magical for my kids.

I'd stay up past midnight wrapping presents, taking appropriate bites from Santa's cookies that I'd baked in the previous days, leaving strategic crumbs and then fall into bed. I kept the belief in Santa going for my kids as long as I could, until my son's understanding of science eventually beat out the magic of Christmas. But even that loss of belief I kept at bay for one more Christmas.

"Mom, how does Santa's sleigh defy gravity and stay in the air?" I quickly responded with something I desperately wanted to believe myself: "It's magic!"

Christmas morning, my husband and I would watch the kids tear into their gifts with great joy. Torn wrapping paper strewn about, the kids went off to play with their new treasures. Then, I'd go up to the bedroom and cry. I'd make it as quick as I could, horrified that my tears would ruin anyone's Christmas, or that I'd appear selfish.

Everyone was happy. Why wasn't I?

One of four things had occurred:

1. I didn't get anything I wanted.

2. I didn't get anything at all.

3. I got something that seemed like it was for a different woman (did my husband know me at all?)

4. The kids were not directed to even make me something thoughtful (as I had them do for their dad) or buy me something that came from their own hearts.

It turned out that all my giving was only a thin veil for my own yearning. But what was worse, I felt incredibly ashamed and guilty that I felt this way. Wanting things for myself seemed selfish and childish. It was childish. As hard as I'd worked to make my children's Christmas magical, what I wanted more than anything in the world was to feel the magic myself. But in the ruins of Christmas morning, I was left with the fact that I'd had expectations I'd been unaware of until it was over. And that made me selfish or childish.

As a kid, my experience of Christmas was a lean and magic-less. This had nothing to do with finances. Love was doled out in a measured way, as if too much love might make us weak. My mother didn't want to "lie" to us, so she did not permit the belief in Santa Claus; Christmas wish-lists were for spoiled children; we got two gifts and rarely were they anything we'd been dreaming of -- or worse, a proxy for the thing we really wanted. For example, at the age of 10, I wanted with all my heart a Mexican poncho (this was Berkeley, Calif. in 1972). Instead my mother crocheted a blue and white, poncho using synthetic yarn. It looked nothing like what I'd been picturing. Worse, I had to wear it, so my mother wouldn't cry and never give me a present again.

Since my children have grown and are busy creating magic for their own kids (and spouses), I enjoy the season much more than I ever did. Because my cup is pretty full most of the time, I no longer need a single day to magically make up for the meagerness of my own childhood. I also, no longer feel guilty or ashamed about wanted things for myself -- whether material, emotional or spiritual. Identifying my own needs throughout the year takes pressure off the Christmas holiday and my loved ones to guess what I need.

Generosity, one of my most important core values, is a spiritual cycle comprised of giving and receiving. I'm not speaking strictly of material gifts. Generosity is a spirit of abundance, of open-heartedness. In fact, I'm convinced that material giving that is not from a spirit of generosity is one of the primary causes of giving fatigue.

Here are some of the signs that you are giving beyond your capacity to refuel, refill and replenish your own heart:

1. Exhaustion

2. Resentment

3. Impatience

4. Overwhelm

5. Guilt

There are things you can't put in a box. When I am open to love, I experience grace, compassion, support, wisdom, joy and understanding. Being receptive is is much harder than giving and, perhaps, even more important. When I am receptive to the world around me, so many unexpected moments are gifts.

Take stock. What compliment, smile, or kind word has been offered to you today? Did you fully receive it?

Here are some signs that you are receptive to life’s gifts:

1. Gratitude

2. Awe

3. Delight

4. Joy

5. Grace

This is how we fill our cups. This is how we keep the balance in the generosity cycle.